Rainbow Babies

I believe that death is not the end but it is a true belief of mine that it is possibly the beginning. It was a cold February Day. My husband and I were headed to my first doctor’s appointment. We were so excited. I know I had taken no less than 5 pregnancy tests to make sure I was pregnant. Ian was 3 years old and Tyler was 11 years. I remember being so excited about this office visit. I was going to hear my babies’ heartbeat for the first time. I was hoping for a girl. I had two boys and this was going to be my last child. I was 37 years old at the time and I felt like I was getting to old to have a baby. My biological clock was ticking. My belly was already getting big and I wondered how far I could be. I always gained weight very quickly and early in my pregnancies but I felt like I could be no more than 10 weeks. We went in to see Dr. Morgan. She very happy to see us. She checked my uterus. She told me it was very big and since I was considered an “at risk” pregnancy she wanted me to have an ultrasound completed that day. I agreed. She stated there were a couple of people in front of me but she would put the order in for the ultrasound. We sat in the waiting area. We read magazines. We talked. We held hands. My husband was very loving and supportive. The tech came out and yelled “Lacey”. It was my turn to go back. I was smiling from ear to ear. I went in and laid on the table and the tech warned me the jelly maybe cold on my belly. She put the jelly on my belly and began looking for a heartbeat. We heard echoes but we heard no heartbeat. The tech was completely silent and I saw worry on her face. My husband began to look concerned. We were reflecting on our first moments with Ian and we heard a heartbeat. She printed out some pictures and told me to give her a moment and she would be back. When she came back. Dr. Morgan was with her. I could tell by the expression on Dr. Morgan’s face this was not going to be good. Dr. Morgan asked me to sit up and it felt like from that point on everything was in slow motion. She said “we cannot find the babies heartbeat”. She showed me the pictures of the ultrasound and the fetus was inside. She said the fetus had passed away and I had two options. Began to cry immediately. She stated option one was to take a pill and the fetus could pass over several days. She said it would bleed like a cycle and I can come back for a follow up. Option two was to come back for a scheduled surgery. They would put me to sleep and they would remove the fetus. I picked option two. I remember crying. I remember crying until my head hurt. Ian was too small to understand but we had to tell Tyler and it was hard to explain. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. It was the kind of pain that knocks the breath out of you. I still think about my baby all the time. The ironic part was the fact it was due on my husband’s (ex) birthday. The baby was due September 25, 2013. God blessed us with a set of twin girls the following year.