Baptism

I was 42 years old, but my “mind” had converted back to my 13-year-old “self”. I was crying.  I was shaking.  I was in a full anxiety attack.  I felt like I was out of control of my own body.   My ex was very unsupportive on this day and in normal fashion.  Any time that was celebratory for me, he always felt the need to break me down or take aim.  This was a norm for a 10-year relationship.  I was an avid worker in the community and received numerous awards and before every program the norm was for me to be in a fight that usually ended up in tears before I took the stage.   I showed up at the church about 30minutes before my son and I were to be baptized.   I had some clothes he left at my apartment, so I handed them over to him  (my ex) when he arrived at the church.   The first question he asked me was “why are you doing this”.   “Are you doing this for attention”.  Haven’t you been baptized?  I was really confused because he rededicated himself to the church via water baptism less than 5 years prior and I have the video on camera.  However, behavior like this always seemed to make me spiral.  My son and I had to meet up at the station set up to get our t-shirts.  I remember thinking to myself  “Please take it one moment at a time”.  My trauma response converted back to my first baptism at the age of 13 years old. I remember giving my heart to God right after I was violently raped by a family friend.   I remember feeling like I had no one who could help take the pain I was hiding inside but God and I walked to the front of the church and gave my life to him.   I could not understand why I was still “there”. I was a grown woman with 4 children and that attack happened almost 30 years prior, but I was replaying the events over and over in my head.  I think this was the breaking point for me. I realized then I had to get some serious help, or I was going to make some poor decisions and I was not the only person that would be affected by my “poor decisions”.  My ex could not handle any discussions on mental health.  I would experience intense episodes of depression after my knee surgeries.   Some days I was so “low” I could not get out of bed.  I would just lay under the covers.  He would send the children in to cheer me up.  They would come lay in the bed with me.  The twins loved watching cupcake shows.  We would lay there and talk about how we were going to make cupcakes.  My sons would just love me.   All my kids are very loving.   I know in those moments it was hard on everyone but when it was time to go to work, I could always get up.   Most of the time I was tired.   I was working several jobs.  I work full time for an International Insurance company.  I was working part time at the City, and I would do little odd jobs like driving for Lyft, Uber, or food delivery.  When I was at home my body just shut down.   I had become the “breadwinner” for my family.  This was a role that I had not agreed upon but this was the situation I was in.  However, I made it to the line.  They called our names and we would go up and get Baptized.  My son was 8years old at the time and he went before me.  To see him go in the water and come out was such a blessing.   I was so happy to be able to witness it.  Then it was my turn.  I walked up and got in the pool of water.   They called my name and I went down and came up.  They helped me out and my 8 year-old was there waiting for me with a towel.  I felt like that was one of the sweetest moments of my life.  My baby held a towel for me after I was baptized.  It really helped me focus on what was important.  It was not important what others thought of me. No one “wants” to be labeled CRAZY but we all have crazy in us. I also realized there is someone out there that can deal with my crazy as much as I was working and taking care of my family.   My son went to school and told his teacher his mom had 8 jobs.  I was so embarrassed.   He was only in the 3rdgrade.  That was not one of my parenting finer moments.  My son and I were baptized, and I had survived the day.   At that moment I decided trauma counseling was necessary.  I was not going to keep reliving my past and getting triggered.  I had to be functional. The idea of trauma counseling was mentioned to me in Marriage Counseling.  I did some research on it after the marriage counseling session, but I was not open to the idea of what felt like “hypnosis” or “time travel”.  It sounded weird and scary. After a couple of other episodes, I decided to try it.    It took a whole year.  I was in counseling faithfully every week.  It was offered at my children’s school.  It was all free and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I followed the whole program.  There were weeks I had to take breaks and not do EMDR (just talk) but I completed the process.  I was released from counseling. I was told I did so well I did not need it (counseling).   I had a lot of baggage to deal with.    I still have bad days but now I know how to deal with it. I know when I am being triggered.  I know how to stay out of the traps with old or new relationships and I understand what just does not work for me.  I also know who needs the same counseling I had.  I have turned into a counselor to a few “love” interest…so much so I think I need to start charging them billable hours!!!!  I am not a therapist ,but I am a good listener.